The world is full of idiots, and someone needs to point it out to them or they will never know.

Monday, November 2, 2009

10 Reasons Why Humanity is Doomed

We’re constantly being told by the media that we’re doomed – global warming, terrorism, swine flu – you name it, we’re going to die from it. However, I’ve been thinking it over, and do we really want to save humanity? People are idiots. Humongous idiots. Need proof? Here’s ten things that I’ve seen people do that prove humanity isn’t worth saving.

1. Poker machines (“pokies”)
I’ve never understood the attraction of these devices. You put money in. You push a button. A flashy animation appears. You win or lose. Wow, simply fascinating! Never mind that the house always wins, you will be able to beat it if you play long enough. And hey, don’t worry about skillful games like poker or blackjack, games based purely on luck are the fastest way to get rich, I’m told.

2. The Global Financial Crisis

The whole situation defies logic – hundreds of companies have gone under, both in America and abroad. Now, I could understand if it were just small companies going under (ones that only just barely get by), but huge, well-establish organisations like General Motors? How the hell could they declare bankruptcy? Surely a company that’s been around since 1908 would have some money saved away for a rainy day? I know just leaving your money in the bank isn’t as effective as investing it in the share market, but I’d never put every penny I own into the share market, I’d keep at least a little in the bank in case I needed it.

3. George W. Bush Was Elected President


4. People watch stupid TV shows.
Please, tell me why brilliant shows like this...

... struggle to last four seasons, while crap shows like this...

...last a whopping nine seasons? Can you honestly name the last two people to win American/Australian/UK/French/Swedish/Whogivesashit Idol? I know I certainly can’t. Also, for some reason, American Idol has been shown in Australia. Why? You can't vote, and it's usually several months late, so you know who's going to win. I just don't get it.

5. People buy useless shit.
Specifically, why do women feel the need to own seventeen million pairs of shoes? I can barely fit my shoes on the shoe rack at home, it's so clogged with my sister's shoes. In the UK, one in ten women spend more than £1 000 (USD$1600, AUD$1800) a year on shoes while 8% own more than 100 pairs each (Source). What they hell do they need all of those shoes for? I own two pairs of thongs, some work shoes and two pairs of casual shoes, and even I think that's too much.

6. Astrology
God, don't get me started on this one. The very idea that people think planets, stars and moons billions of kilometres away can somehow affect your day makes my blood boil.

The belief that the world will end in 2012
So, because some Mayan calender runs out in 2012, this means the world will end? My computer's calender only goes up to December 31st, 2099, so maybe this is when the world will end? It's the same problem we had with Y2K, people constantly want to believe the end is near. Oh, and Y2K was pretty God damn stupid as well. The clock ticks over to 1900 instead of 2000? OH JESUS MY BANK ACCOUNT WILL ZERO AND ALL OF THE AEROPLANES WILL FALL FROM THE SKY!!!!!!1!!1!!

8. Crappy magazines
I'm talking about Women's Day, New Weekly, Famous, etc. Really, does anyone actually care that a celebrity is having difficulties in their personal life? What's more, the "proof" that the marriage won't last/the girl is pregnant/the celebrity is anorexic only ever amounts to a pixelated photo and "sources", "pals", "friends", "onlookers" or "fellow diners" spilling the beans. So, Brad and Angelina are discussing their intimate sex life with a close friend, who then turns around and sells the story straight to the press? I call bullshit. Also, men's magazines are getting progressively more stupid as well. Zoo, for instance, seems to only exist on page after page of former Big Brother housemates nude or semi-nude, punctuated occasionally by the all-time best Family Guy quotes (which itself is an oxymoron, as Family Guy isn't funny).

9. Nobody knows how to spell or speak properly anymore
  • Can't tell the difference between "your" and "you're"? Go back to school.
  • Didn't realise there was a difference between "their", "they're" and "there"? Unbelievable.
  • Ever said, "I met this random on the weekend..."? Random WHAT?
  • Do you frequently say "I seen this before..."? It's time for an English refresher.
  • Call it a "PIN Number"? Look up what PIN stands for, idiot.
  • You live outside of the United States, and you spell it "Organization"? Way to plagiarise.

10. Blogs
The fact that any idiot who has access to the internet can publish their stupid, inane ramblings about things that piss them off really frustrates me. Bah. If anyone wants me I'll be in my room.

© 2009 by "The Free Man"