The world is full of idiots, and someone needs to point it out to them or they will never know.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Christmas Shopping (Some Useful Tips)

If you're a regular reader of my blog, you probably know that I work in retail. Well, this Christmas I've started a new part-time job in a much bigger shopping centre, and apparently a bigger shopping centre means bigger dickheads. I've been getting really frustrated by the complete lack of tact most people seem to have, so here's some friendly tips when you're Christmas shopping this year:

To begin with, don't block the lift or escalator. Escalators are not rides, they're walkways. Do not stand there and drool, MOVE! Just because the picture isn't moving doesn't mean you have to stay still!

Not what you're supposed to do

Now, lifts are admittedly a bit rarer than escalators in shopping centres, but PLEASE do not block the entrance to a lift with your trolley/pram/giant ass. People may want to get out! Here's a helpful diagram, because obviously people seem to have trouble with this:

Carparks are another area people seem to struggle with. I'll keep it brief. You see the signs that say "STOP" or "GIVE WAY"? Just because you're in a shopping centre and you're in a hurry doesn't mean you can ignore them.

I've also noticed that nobody who shops these days seems to own a watch. Why? Well, every day at my old job, and every day at my new job, I have to shepherd people out the front door at closing time. There's simply no excuse, I'm afraid. Our closing time is on the door, and when we do an announcement over the PA that we're shut, it's TIME TO LEAVE.

Also, don't smoke. I don't just mean in shopping centres, stop smoking altogether. That shit is nasty.

Finally, be nice to the staff. Remember that they're spending a lot more time than you in a store this Christmas, so cut them some slack if they're running late.

However, DO NOT make stupid jokes they've heard a thousand times before. or just generally be annoying. I am so sick of hearing the following phrases from customers:
  • "This item doesn't have a price - does that mean it's free?" Yeah, that's right. We're a frikin' charity, here.
  • (after the customer selects their "Savings" account on the EFTPOS) "More like spendings, eh?" You sir, are the wittiest customer I've ever served.
  • (after paying for a cheap item, eg. a $2 DVD) "Oh, last of the big spenders, eh?" Yes. You should go on tour with that.
  • "Oh, I don't know anything about computers/DVDs/video games/etc. I'm too old for that." Nobody is "too old" to learn anything new. My Grandma is eighty next year and has her own email address, an LCD TV and a DVD player. You can't blame it on your age.
  • "Do you price match?" This one, I don't get. If another store in the same centre is offering the same item at a lower price, why don't you just buy it from them?!
That's all for now. Remember: if you feel like shopping this Christmas season, it might be better to just stay at home and kill yourself.

© 2009 by The Free Man

Thursday, December 3, 2009

3D Films Are The Second Coming of Christ

So, I went and saw Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs the other day. Stupid title, reasonably entertaining film. No WALL-E, but not bad. Anyway, the session I saw forced me to put on 3D glasses. I'd never actually been to a 3D theatrical film before, so I was interested. Surely, given that nearly every animated film released these days forces you to wear the damn things, they must enhance the film in some way? After all, you look pretty retarded once you put them on:


Strangely, though, the change wasn't that dramatic. The picture had a little more depth, but, nothing substantial. Meanwhile, at about the half way point my temple began to throb, as apparently the glasses are designed for six-year-olds, and not twenty-somethings who have gigantic brains and have a diet that mostly consists of Hungry Jack's and whatever's microwaveable.

With the picture not enhanced in any great way, I figured that they must be charging me an extra $5.50 for some other reason. It couldn't be just to make a few extra bucks, no, that would be dishonest. It couldn't have been just a gimmick, designed to sucker in kids. People aren't that stupid, right?

By the end of the movie, I'd convinced myself that the extra $5.50 me and about three hundred other people paid was going towards an important cause or charity, like resurrecting Hitler, just so we could kill him again.

Sadly, it turns out I was mistaken. As I left the theatre, Hitler remained dead, so I came to the depressing conclusion that people really are stupid enough to pay an extra $5.50 for a gimmick (of course, I should have known better).

Really, how long will 3D films be around before filmmakers realise they're pointless? No other genre has adopted it. I hardly think The Dark Knight or Gran Torino could have been improved with 3D glasses. Remember when computer-animated films were the "cool" ones (as opposed to traditionally-animated ones)? Now everyone does them. Perhaps once everyone's forced to pay an extra $5.50 to have their temples throb, we'll start to see less of the films. In the meantime, we're all going to be tripping over discarded 3D glasses because, for all the talk about companies being green, the cinema I went to didn't recycle my 3D glasses.

Either that or I stole them...

© 2009 by "The Free Man"