The world is full of idiots, and someone needs to point it out to them or they will never know.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Extracts from Jessica Watson's Diary

Isn't Jessica Watson such a hero? An inspiration to young people and girls everywhere? She clearly only did the voyage around the world to inspire people, and not just to get rich. I mean, look at her boat. Not a single sponsor on there, is there?

(except for Ella Bache, ONE, News Ltd, Panasonic...)

But I digress. I have just hacked into Jessica Watson's laptop to bring you a WORLD EXCLUSIVE - her diary while she was at sea! Don't believe those posts she put online during her voyage, this is her real diary:


DAY 1
Gee, I can't believe all these people came to see me sail off. Doesn't this country have anything better to do?

DAY 2
I really wish I'd learnt to sail before I set off. Learning it all as you go is tricky.

DAY 5
You know what's really big? The Pacific Ocean. It's MUCH bigger than Mr Wellwood described it in geography, so I don't think I'm going to catch the new season of Gossip Girl. Better get Mum to Tivo it for me.

DAY 10
Boy, I wish I'd brought some magazines. Or a boy, come to think of it.

DAY 25
I had fish for dinner tonight - again. It was icky. It really sucks if you're a sailor and you don't like that stuff.

DAY 50
Wow! Fifty days. I can't believe all this support I'm getting on my website and on Facebook and stuff! Those fools! This is so much better than sitting in Mr Wellwood's boring geography class. All I'm doing is sitting naked on a boat all day watching clips on YouTube. Wheeee!

DAY 75
So, apparently, it only takes 75 days to watch every single video ever uploaded to YouTube, at least when you've got nothing else to do. Well, at least I'm still naked.

DAY 100
So bored. Sailing is quite easy, once you remember to not to invert the boat.

DAY 125
I think my isolation is starting to affect my sanity. Yesterday I thought about donating all the money I'm going to make from this trip to charity. Yikes! I must have been going really bonkers.

DAY 150
I wonder what I'll do with all my money when I get home? Perhaps take a bath in it? I sure do miss baths.

DAY 175
You know what else I miss? Shaving my legs. I forgot to pack my razor and it looks like I'm wearing a woolly mammoth from the waist down.

DAY 190
Less than a month to go and I'll be home. I'm looking forward to being on TV all the time. That ought to make Scott finally ask me to the formal, and show Kathy who's hotter now!

DAY 200
Urgh. I just put clothes back on for the first time in months, and boy, are they itchy. I suppose I should chuck out all these beer bottles, too. And maybe I ought to disconnect the cable connected to the submarine that's been towing me all this way.

DAY 209
I suppose I should come up with something stupidly cute and quotable for the tabloids. Well, I haven't got my license yet, so how about I say that I want that. No, that's too stupid, they'd never print that...

DAY 210
I am amazed at how many people turned up to say hello. Again, doesn't this country have anything better to do? Well, it doesn't matter anyway, because what with my book deal, my sponsorships and my TV interviews, I'm now STUPENDOUSLY WEALTHY! SUCK IT, BITCHES!

© 2010 by The Free Man